Trying to be rational

The past couple of weeks have seen me want to run and hide, stick my head in the sand and pretend things are normal. I have spent nights laying awake looking at the ceiling, asking the question why?, why is poor little Paige going through such awful things, why is it my talented husband cannot find a regular job that would allow us to live like man and wife again, why is my life so hard, never straight forward, even the burglars make it difficult. I have found it hard to sit down and write, I have been eaten up with worry over the surgery that Paige is facing, I was there the day she was born, I was there the day the doctors told us she was dying and would not live longer than six weeks.

I could not accept that, I never believed it and would not give up on her, she will be 15 in December and she lights up my life. Life for her though is getting more and more difficult, her body is working against her, yet she is so brave and always smiles, she has an amazing sense of humour.

On top of all these emotions the farm was burgled last week, as my husband is away Monday to Friday and the family that live in the big house were also away I was here on my own looking after the farm and the dogs. I spent two or three nights just laying terrified in bed waiting for noises, becoming unrashional.  My neighbour rang to tell me she had seen someone watching the farm that was all it took to throw me into melt down, that night I took off to my daughters and spent the night on her sofa sharing it with her little dog. I did get some sleep and next morning the children made me feel so special, and my daughter is the best anyone could ever wish for. This was the wake up call I needed I must get myself back together my daughter needs me, the children need me and Paige needs me to go on as normal and be there for her, to give her all the love I can and live for today.

I have things to look forward to, my niece is going to have her first baby in December, she lost her mum when she was 16 so I have got to be there for her, I have my husband who works so hard and comes home filled with love every weekend and I have the sweetest grandchildren who all need me. I am starting to sleep again, I am feeling stronger and I am getting ready to fight for Paige to make sure she gets everything she needs to come through this, and also to be there to support my wonderful daughter through her hardest times.

People often say to me how do you stay so bright and positive, you must be a very strong person. I am not, and they do not really know me, that is the image I want the world to see, some days I smile, yet inside I am crying, I am as vulnerable as any other person. We as a family are all going to Center Parcs in November just before Paige has her surgery; we are going to have the best holiday ever to get us through the following months. I am now going to concentrate on keeping my head clear and rational, only a positive attitude will get us through the next few months but I do hope the burglars leave us alone.

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